


Everything Stays

by Ccaprico



Series: Everything stays [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, only a little bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 13:00:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13411782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ccaprico/pseuds/Ccaprico
Summary: For the first time since his imprisonment, Shiro remembers his life from before Kerberos.





	Everything Stays

Shiro collapsed into his chair, letting out a sigh of relief as he melted into the cushions. His muscles ached from their most recent Galra battle, tossed and thrown across the battlefield by the array of battleships aimed at Voltron’s head. And now, after finally washing the grime and oil off his armour and skin, he could _relax._

The others were already sleeping, heading straight for their bedrooms the moment the Lions landed in their bays. Allura and Coran were probably doing their own things, but whether that meant preparing their next wormhole jump or relaxing in their own way, he didn’t know. Following the other paladin’s example and getting a few hours’ sleep felt logical, but he wasn’t quite prepared for that challenge.

For the first time in what felt like forever, he was alone with his thoughts.

It felt good to just… relax. Not worry about the impending threat looming on the horizon, or the next stunt Lance pulled that got them all in trouble. The weight of his eyelids wouldn’t stop anytime soon, still pulled down by his fatigue, but it was better than facing the nightmares waiting for him in sleep. He was content to just sit and wait.

… Maybe just a couple of minutes wouldn’t hurt?

His eyes drooped as his breathing calmed, inhaling through his nose, exhaling through his mouth. He dropped the tension in his muscles, lifting the weight of responsibility off his shoulders, his back melding to the soft cushions with his feet rooted to the spot. He could allow himself this kind of rest. Not quite sleeping, but enough for his body and mind to take a break. Sleeping was his last resort, only when his limbs felt like lead and thoughts turned to sludge.

Everything faded. 

The world blurred to shades of blues and greys in his peripheral as time went on. The whirl of machinery around him dissolved into silence, the smell of Hunk’s newest creation became a lingering figment of his imagination… and there was a voice, watery and quiet.

Shiro felt his breath hitch… or he thought it did?

With each second the voice grew louder and clearer– a woman’s, distinctly feminine and airy, one that should be familiar. He couldn’t put his finger on it. There was a light now, warm and gentle, curling around the sides of his vision as the castle of lions fell around him.

He looked up, his head breaking through the water of his subconscious, staring into the blinding light of… whatever this was.

His home, before the castle of lions and the galaxy garrison. At least, he thought it was. There was same clean, cosy vibe, the same tattered furniture and glass door leading into the garden. The stack of films he used to watch, and the bookcase that always creaked when he took something off it, and – right! That was the doorframe where his mum used to measure him!

His mum.

…His heart stopped.

His eyes drew toward the woman on the sofa, appearing out of nowhere, her legs tucked on top of one another.  That was his _mum_ , petite frame and all, her eyes as warm as summer for the small figure curled into her side, a mop of black hair poking out from beneath the blanket. She was speaking, lips curled into a gentle smile, but no words reached Shiro.

He… remembered this. Remembered the moment from his stolen past.

His eyes burned.  

And it was like someone turned on the sound, breaking through the spell of silence with the slippery vowels of his mother language.

_“-ashi, sweetie, it's bedtime.”_

He almost choked at hearing her voice after so long, the same calming tone he’d long forgotten. The figure sat up, and – _right_ \- it was him without the scar, without the white hair, young and innocent and free from the Galra’s poison, whining and muttering. The words slipped past Shiro. He always argued with his mother when it came bedtime.

Something must have been funny, because his mother laughed, and his stomach clenched _hard._

“ _You’ll never grow if you don’t sleep,”_ his mother said.

Shiro whined. _“But – but – I wanna play some more!”_

Even as he said that, his younger self stifled a yawn, eyes drooping. His mother reached over, pulling the child into a hug with a smile. “ _Come on, Takashi.”_

Other words were spoken between the two of them, before soft hums slipped through the air. A lullaby he could only remember bits and pieces from when  his mother sung it, her soft, pitched voice singing lyrics of something his mind thought was foreign but his heart yearned for:

_Let's go in the garden, you'll find something waiting,_

_Right there where you left it, lying upside down,_

_When you finally find it, you'll see how it's faded,_

_The underside is lighter, when you turn it around,_

_Everything stays, right where you left it -_

The words became like water again, head falling beneath the waves. He drowned in them, spluttering and choking to pull himself above to water, to spend one more moment in _this_ memory. Hunk’s newest creation came lingering back into his nose, smelling of citrus fruit and pine. _No, not yet!_

“…iro…?”

He could see them still, smiling at one another in a way that made his heart ache more than ever before, yearning for more. It had a death-grip on his throat, tightening further as his mother bent down, pressing a kiss against the forehead of his past. He could almost feel the lingering warmth, the same comfort from all those years ago.

“…Shi-ro…?!”

The world – the memory – began to dissolve, fraying at the edges. His heart jumped into his mouth. He didn’t want to forget again. He couldn’t! _Not again!_

His arms felt like he was moving through tar when he reached out, grappling for the traces of memory. The films dissolved, and then the bookcase, the walls, the doorway, until the only thing left was his mother and younger self. Even then, he watched their forms rippled, until -

“Shiro!”

A sharp pain came from his shoulder, and suddenly Allura was in front of him, her brow furrowed. Her hand was on his shoulder, digging into the flesh of his arm with enough force to make him wince. “What the – !” He choked.

“Oh – sorry!” The pressure ceased, and Allura backed off, giving him some room.

Every part of him felt exhausted, even worse than before he took his… what even was it? A nap? He leant heavily on his knees as he replayed the memory in his head, over and over again. He wouldn’t forget. Not this time.

“Shiro…?” Allura again, this time using much less force as she placed a hand on his shoulder.

He swallowed, not looking up. “It’s Takashi.”

He could almost imagine the confusion on her face, the cute way her lips would purse and dimples would form on her forehead. “What?”

“My name – it’s Takashi. My first name.”

All he wanted was to hear it. _Takashi._ That’s what his mother always called him, even when he asked to be called Shiro. Teasing or angry, she always called him Takashi.

The other paladins knew, but Allura seemed even more confused. He couldn’t really blame her. “A-alright, uh, Takashi. Are you okay?”

Nothing about the situation was okay. The ache of his muscles and the pounding headache was nothing compared to the hole in his chest, a pain so agonising his eyes burned. If he wasn’t careful he might unload completely on the unsuspecting princess, which wasn’t on his bucket list.

“N-nothing.” His voice for cracking. _For fuck’s save…_ quickly, before the pain became too much, he ducked his head and stood. “I – uh – have to go. Something with Black. Very urgent. Uh, thanks.”

He stumbled out the door in record time, ignoring Allura’s pleas for him to _wait, god damn it!_ Tomorrow he would apologize, maybe even promising to buy something shiny the next time they went to the space mall, but today… he just wanted to be alone.

He managed to make it all the way back to his bedroom before exhaustion kicked in, sinking deep into his bones. The last few steps were almost torture as he collapsed into bed, the burn of his eyes dulling as they shut. He only slept it was absolutely necessary, like now.

His dreams were not plagued by nightmares this time, only by a far-off lullaby from a distant time.

 

 

Missing home was the worst feeling ever.

For once since all this began, there was no reason not to think about it. A brief moment of reprise in an intergalactic war was, apparently, enough for his memories to trickle back. Not all at once, and none were of his imprisonment, but they came back. Some small, popping into his head in the moments of silence between training and lunch. Some hit like a tornado of emotions, leaving him blurry-eyed and exhausted. Like memories of his friends who saw him off during Kerberos. His Shiba inu waiting for him with his mother.

His mum, who he hadn’t seen in over two years.

All of them were punches to the gut, a cross between melancholy and yearning. Guilt gnawed at his conscience for forgetting in the first place. Maybe if he loved them more, he wouldn’t have forgot. Maybe if he was stronger he could have stopped all this from happening. He didn’t even think it was possible to forget things so important to him. Would he have forgotten his life completely if he stayed any longer? He didn’t want to think about it.

The other noticed the changes in his behaviour. He skipped meals without meaning to, and training cut off short if a memory came in the middle of a sparring match. The moments of brief lucidity were met with concerned looks and furrowed brows, but he didn’t want to tell them about his broken memories. He _couldn’t_ bring himself to tell them. Not yet, at least.

Still, they weren’t coming back fast enough.

He didn’t want to ask Keith – that felt like he was taking someone else’s memories of events, and he didn’t want that. Besides, he doubted Keith knew _everything_ about his past, even though it sure felt like it. The others couldn’t help. They didn’t know the man he once was, the one who wasn’t scarred and leading them into an intergalactic battle. Maybe it was for the best, he thought, otherwise they might be sorely disappointed.

The princess couldn’t help either.

Shiro shook his head, running a hand through his hair.  What he wouldn’t give to just leave for a couple of hours and be back on Earth, without facing the garrison or anyone else. What he wouldn’t give to see his mother again, no doubt older than the brief fragments portrayed, or his dog. He hoped they missed him, even if he was a dead man in their eyes.

His heart gave another jolt. _Crap,_ this wasn’t doing anyone any good.

With nothing else to do, Shiro left for the observatory on the top-most floor, surrounding himself with what he knew: stars and the night sky. He was alone, thank god - not that he expected anything else. Only one other person came up here and she had better things to do than look at the stars.

The pillows gave way as Shiro threw his body onto the sofa, groaning as he threw a hand over his face. _God_ , he really _was_ messed up, wasn’t he? Not even being able to remember his family anymore. His mind stumbled to the first memory to return, replaying the tune in his head as best he could.

The lullaby was something that hadn’t left, he found. Like a song stuck in his head, one he didn’t know all the lyrics to but could remember the tune by heart. All that ended up happening was the words rolled in his head, repeating over and over again. He couldn’t stand not knowing.

He didn’t hear the door swish open behind him, or the gentle pat of footsteps heading in his direction until a soft voice called for him.

“Shiro?”

He grunted, lifting the hand from his face and blinking the exhaustion from his eyes. “Yeah?” His voice sounded husky, carrying a low tone as though he’d been asleep.

Allura – because of course it was Allura, no-one else seemed to know about the observatory but her - leaning over the sofa, her hair falling as a pool of silver down the side of her face. She looked as beautiful as always, donning her casual attire.

Her eyes softened when she caught sight of his scrawled position across the sofa, looking like she was struggling not to laugh at the black paladin’s compromised position.

“Did I catch you at a bad time?”

He wasn’t sure, to be honest. Any time with Allura was pleasant, but he couldn’t act like this was the best of times either. At least he didn’t need to act like a leader in front of her, unlike with the others.

He ended up shrugging, shuffling along so Allura could sit beside him.

“I heard you cancelled practice today,” Allura began, and _crap_ , is that why she came to find him?

Shiro cleared his throat, searching his mind for an excuse. “I – uh – thought they could use a break.”

“After the last one you gave them a couple of days ago?” Allura raised a brow. “You’re being a lot more lenient on them that you used to be. Not that the other paladins are complaining. I think they’re quite enjoying the time off. ”

“They kids,” Shiro said. “They deserve to have some time to themselves. To – uh – do kid things.”

Still, he should probably start pushing them again, even with his memories getting in the way. Just because he was unfit for battle didn’t mean the others were. “I’ll remember to push them harder next week.”

Allura didn’t look convinced, not that he could blame her. He wouldn’t believe himself either if he heard _that_ excuse coming out of his arse. “Shiro, what’s wrong?”

Shiro clenched his jaw. People worrying about him were bad enough, but the fact that it was Allura made it all worse. Her brows furrowed, lips turned down at the sides. She almost looked like she was pouting, the idea alone sending a shiver down his spine.

“I’m fine,” Shiro said, feigning innocent. “Just… not sleeping well.”

Allura’s brow furrowed further. “Don’t lie,” she said, tone warning. “That’s not what’s bothering you. I know it isn’t.”

Shiro brushed her off, maybe a little cold, but he could worry about it later. “It won’t affect the team or anything, so don’t worry about it.  I can deal with it myself.”

“Shiro – “

“ _I’m fine,”_ he said.

For a moment Shiro thought she had actually dropped it, but he should have known better. He could practically hear her jaw clench shut, the word escaping through gritted teeth. “I’m asking because I’m worried about you, not because I think it might affect the team.”

In a lighter tone, she continued. “Does it have something to do with when I found you in the living room?” Shiro tensed, forcing his face to remain neutral. Allura saw right through his façade. “It is, isn’t it?”

There wasn’t really any other choice.  Lying would leave a bad taste in his mouth, and… he didn’t want to be on bad terms with Allura. Arguing with her was the last thing he wanted.

“I… remembered something. From my past – uh, before Voltron.” He turned his head away slightly, feeling a blush working its way onto his face. The more he thought about it, the more stupid it sounded.

“What do you mean?” Allura blinked, tilting her head in confusion. He could practically see the wheels in her turning behind her eyes as she processed what he said. Her eyes widened. “Wait – I thought you… how much do you remember?”

Shiro swallowed, wetting his dry throat. “Only bits and pieces. Which is why -” he trailed off, unsure of what to say. Losing them once was bad enough. Maybe that was why he felt so possessive over them, so secretive.

He watched her throat bob up and down as she winced. “I… didn’t realise. Do you – do you want to talk about it?”

A part of him wanted to say no, to stick with the original plan and keep quiet until the problem was dealt with. But… with if he didn’t remember? What if he forgot them all over again? If he told someone, then at least someone else could remember what he couldn’t. Ignoring the problem was a lot easier when two, bright blue eyes looked at him like _that_ , without any room to escape.

He cleared his throat, mind made up. “…Yeah. I guess it could help.”

Allura brightened, her eyes shining as she shifted in her seat, getting more comfortable and cosying up to one of the cushions, before gesturing for him to continue.

 _God_ , where did he start?

“The first one was when you found me in the living room, when I was… uh… “

“Zoning out?”

Shiro nodded. “I didn’t even know where I was at first. It from when I was a child. My mum was there with me and I... barely recognised her.”

He scoffed. Not even remembering his childhood. How broken was he? And saying it out only made the ache worse, like a sin lay bare in front of him. “She was singing a lullaby from when I was younger.”

 “Other memories started coming back after that. Uh - my dog, and my friends from back in the garrison. My father. My family. It was only bits and pieces, but – “ he hesitated. “It was something from my past. And now…”.

 “You miss them,” Allura said, after a moment.

“It’s been a year and a half,” Shiro said, somehow trying to justify the emotions welling up inside him. He wasn’t the only one who missed people. He should know better.

“Shiro,” Allura said, and her hand came up to touch his cheek, only hesitating and falling at the last moment. “You’re allowed to miss Earth. “

 “Am I?” Shiro bit the side of his cheek, turning to face the ground. “It’s not like I can go back. The last time I did I was strapped to a table, and if Keith hadn’t rescued me I’d be in some lab having my organs dissected. I can’t go back.”

“Not at the moment, but when the war is over –“

Shiro shook his head. “They’ve already forgotten me - I’m a dead man in their eyes. Going back to them would only bring them more pain.”

“You’re wrong.”

Shiro paused at the tone, looking back at the princess, her jaw clenched tight and… she looked hurt.  “Your family would be glad to see you, Shiro. I know that. Don’t you _dare_ try to tell me otherwise.”

…oh. He was an idiot. _Alfor, her race…_ she was thinking about what it would be like to find out her father was still alive, what it would be like for him to come back and greet her with open arms.

And here he was, saying he would stay away from his friends and family.

He winced. “Allura, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I _do_ want to see them, but I’m scared. Of what they might think.”

“You have no reason to be,” said Allura, looking him in the eye. “After what the Galra did to you…. You’re stronger than anyone I’ve ever met. If your friends and family can’t see you as the hero you are – and I’m sure they will – then… it’s their loss. You deserve to be happy.”

He managed a smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “What about you? You lost your entire _race,_ but I don’t see you – “

“ _I_ have Coran,” said Allura, before she sighed. “I’ll always miss them – more than my heart can take, sometimes – but why should that invalidate you missing your family?”

Shiro bite the side of his lip. Deep down, a part of him still screamed that it was _wrong._ He didn’t have a right to feel sad when others had it worse. But he couldn’t find a response. He didn’t _need_ a response.

They sat there in silence, the conversation falling away, enjoying each other’s company with their eyes turned to the stars. Ones so different from earth, but comforting all the same. Maybe it was because of the memories tied to them, forgotten and remembered, or maybe it was because of the princess at his side.

Allura snuggled into his side, and with a sudden surge of confidence, he slung an arm over her shoulder. The others could walk in at any time, but that didn’t bother him. It was intimate - more than just friends – something that hung in the back of his head as Allura shifted even closer into his side, placing a hand on his chest and her head on his shoulder. Maybe Alteans had difference social expectations when it came to romance, but he hoped not.

If they hadn’t been so close to one another, Shiro’s sure he would’ve missed Allura murmuring under her breath.

“What was that?”

Allura huffed a laugh, murmuring only slightly louder than before. “I like this position.”

Shiro grinned, blood rushing to his face. That had to be a good sign. “I’m glad I’m not the only one.”

Allura groaned in amusement, and Shiro felt her nose digging into the flesh of his shoulder. “Tell me about them. Your family.”

And he did. About his friends seeing him off during Kerberos, who played pranks and partied and had long, deep conversations in the middle of the night, about the world, the universe and everything in between. About his dog, Thor. How he was named after his favourite comic book character, about the long walks and ball games in the field near his apartment, the nights he crawled into bed with Shiro and he couldn’t bring himself to kick the poor dog off. About his mum, how she cooked way too much of everything, and pestered him about his work. How she worried about him going into space, how she smiled.

Shiro found her asleep on his shoulder hours later, smiling to herself, and he couldn’t help the smile on his face.

He laughed.

* * *

 

 

Shiro carried Allura to her bedroom, careful not to knock her around too much lest she wake.

He wished he could in the observatory forever, Allura curled into his side, without the weight of the universe on their shoulders. It was something he didn’t deserve, to feel comfort after all the things he’d done in the arena, but Allura gave it to him.  Even if she didn’t know about their intimacy in the observatory, behind the gestures given, or if they were cursed to be nothing more than friends, he was content.

Shiro laid her on the bed, over the duvet, careful to brush the hair out of her face. Maybe she would forget this moment with time, but he wouldn’t. He promised himself that.

He sat down next to her, smiling when she groaned something unintelligible.

And the words tumbled from his mouth without thought. Maybe it was because of the conversation, reminding him of the forgotten comfort the words once brought him, or maybe it was because he knew Allura liked his voice. He sang, letting the fears and worries dissipate in the back of his mind, leaving only a memory in its wake, and when he reached the point where he didn’t remember any more of the words, he carried on.

_Everything stays, but it still changes,_

_Ever so slightly, daily and nightly,_

_In little ways,_

_When everything stays._

He remembered.

**Author's Note:**

> haha, guess what I've been watching recently. The song is from Adventure Time, if you didn't know. I was really conflicted about putting the lyrics in cause it usually looks really weird to me, but it kind of felt odd not having them. Also - it hasn't been six months! Yay! I'm trying to write more often, so you should get something at least once a month. 
> 
> Also, I already have a sequel in mind, though I don't know when it'll come out. Not a clue, tbh.


End file.
